Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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