Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
