i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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