i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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