i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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