Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
