You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
