It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
