I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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