capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
