So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize