I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
