My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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