Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
