Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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