I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
