I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
