I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
