The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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