I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i think i just lost a toe
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
