turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
