You just made me feel so damn special
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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