Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
