i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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