I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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