I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
