so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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