Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize