Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
