My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
