I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
