Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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