i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
