I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
