i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
