I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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