There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You may now shotgun with the bride
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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