thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
