Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
