My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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