well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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