You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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