I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Enjoy the penises
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
