i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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