the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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