im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize