I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
