OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize