He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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