Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
