Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
