I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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