he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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