thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
