There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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