I'm so fucking centered right now
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
