What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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