I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize