do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
they're like a gay fantastic four
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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