For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
