Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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