I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
