WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
