Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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