you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
