i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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